How to save your marriage
Note: We took some good pictures this week. A few are a little blurry, but others are clear. We will begin posting them again shortly.
I am frequently asked, "What is your motivation for trying to stop sexually oriented businesses from prospering?" Well, in addition to the negative effect they have on crime, communities, and property values..... my greatest concern is their negative effect on the family. As a child, I experienced first hand what it was like to live in a divided household. It's not pretty and I don't wish that experience on anyone.
A very insightful article was sent to me today by a reader of this website. I contacted the author this afternoon and requested permission to reprint it here for your enjoyment. For those who criticize me for including religion in this debate (as if I don't have the option to express my convictions on my own website), please be forewarned that this article is chock full of faith. I know it's hard to stomach, but I'm confident you'll survive.
Guest Column
Dr. Robert R. Kopp
Pastor, First Presbyterian Church
Belvidere, Illinois 61008
How to Save Your Marriage
Everybody wants to live happily ever after.
Certainly, that's the expectation at weddings.
Unfortunately, that doesn't always happen.
Even for marriages made in heaven, every day isn't a hot fudge sundae; prompting a buddy to say, "Marriage is like flies on a screen. 50% want in. 50% want out."
Apart from the bliss, mist, dog-eyed stares, and couch-cuddling to the tune of Elton John's "Your Song," there are days when wives think husbands come from Mars and husbands think wives come from Venus.
Socioeconomics, gender obsessions, sexual dysfunctions, and family trees along with other tests and temptations threaten marriages.
After over 30 years of pastoral ministry and presiding over hundreds of weddings coupled with personal failure and redemption, I've deduced three commitments necessary to save marriages:
1. Take Jesus Seriously - Our Lord was clear, concise,
and conclusive about personal and marital survival:
"Everyone who hears these words of mine and does
them will be like a wise man who built his house on
the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came,
and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it
did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock"
(Matthew 7:24-25).
2. Have Fun - Some favorite verses come to mind: "I
meant to do my work today; but a brown bird sang
in the apple tree and all the leaves were calling me.
So what could I do but laugh and go?" Even those
dusty old Westminster Divines understood the need:
"Our chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy Him
forever" (Question 1 of The Shorter Catechism of
1626).
3. Don't Take Yourself So Seriously - You may have
heard the 12 words that keep marriages together:
"I was wrong. I am sorry. Please forgive me. I
love you." A review of Matthew 7:1-5 also helps
every now and then.
One more word.
It's very salty; as in stinging to heal ("Salt stings on an open wound, but saves you from gangrene!").
If you're not working on your marriage, someone else will be doing it for you sooner or later.
Willard F. Harley, Jr.'s His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-Proof Marriage (1986) should be required reading before walking down the aisle.
Parenthetically, though perpetually befuddled by couples who spend thousands on photographers, videographers, florists, attire, stationary, receptions, and honeymoons while pinching pennies when it comes to donations for use of the church, honoraria for musicians, and other sanctuarial appointments (aka clergy), I'm especially chagrined by the lack of integrity in premarital counseling after the dates for the ceremony and all the rest have been reserved and superglued to the calendar. Rhetorically, how can we deny nuptials when the money's already been laid down? Credible premarital counseling includes an educated evaluation of the prospects prior to the wedding processional.
Getting back to Dr. Harley, he concluded women and men have needs that must be met with the corollary being unmet needs destroy marriages.
Specifically, he noted a man's basic needs in marriage are sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, a spouse concerned about her appearance, domestic support, and admiration (respect). A woman's basic needs in marriage are affection, conversation, honesty and openness, financial support, and family commitment.
He explained, "In marriages that fail to meet those needs, I have seen...how consistently married people choose...the extramarital affair. People wander into affairs with astonishing regularity, in spite of...strong moral or religious convictions...Why? Once a spouse lacks fulfillment of any of the five needs, it creates a thirst that must be quenched. If changes do not take place within the marriage to care for that need, the individual will face the powerful temptation to fill it outside of marriage."
Summarily, everybody has emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and sexual needs. Meeting those needs encourages an enduring marriage.
If your marriage is in trouble and starting to sound like an old Gordon Lightfoot song - "I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling's gone and I just can't get it back!" - there's still a way to save it.
While Revelation 2:1-7 focuses on renewing one's relationship with God and how Christians and churches who have lost their way can get it back, it also provides the secret to saving marriages: "Remember then from what you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first."
Remember everything that made you so passionately in love with each other.
Repent and do them all over again.
Simply, take Jesus seriously, have fun, and don't take yourself so seriously.
Gary R. Collins wrote, "The most obvious way to prevent divorce is to build stronger marriages - marriages based on scriptural principles and characterized by love, commitment and open communication" (Christian Counseling, 1980).
Or to borrow a line, "The grass is greener where it's watered."
That's how to save your marriage.
I am frequently asked, "What is your motivation for trying to stop sexually oriented businesses from prospering?" Well, in addition to the negative effect they have on crime, communities, and property values..... my greatest concern is their negative effect on the family. As a child, I experienced first hand what it was like to live in a divided household. It's not pretty and I don't wish that experience on anyone.
A very insightful article was sent to me today by a reader of this website. I contacted the author this afternoon and requested permission to reprint it here for your enjoyment. For those who criticize me for including religion in this debate (as if I don't have the option to express my convictions on my own website), please be forewarned that this article is chock full of faith. I know it's hard to stomach, but I'm confident you'll survive.
Strip clubs and adult bookstores feed extra-marital affairs that begin in the mind and are eventually lived out in day to day experience. Please heed these words of encouragement.
-------------------------------------
Guest Column
Dr. Robert R. Kopp
Pastor, First Presbyterian Church
Belvidere, Illinois 61008
How to Save Your Marriage
Everybody wants to live happily ever after.
Certainly, that's the expectation at weddings.
Unfortunately, that doesn't always happen.
Even for marriages made in heaven, every day isn't a hot fudge sundae; prompting a buddy to say, "Marriage is like flies on a screen. 50% want in. 50% want out."
Apart from the bliss, mist, dog-eyed stares, and couch-cuddling to the tune of Elton John's "Your Song," there are days when wives think husbands come from Mars and husbands think wives come from Venus.
Socioeconomics, gender obsessions, sexual dysfunctions, and family trees along with other tests and temptations threaten marriages.
After over 30 years of pastoral ministry and presiding over hundreds of weddings coupled with personal failure and redemption, I've deduced three commitments necessary to save marriages:
1. Take Jesus Seriously - Our Lord was clear, concise,
and conclusive about personal and marital survival:
"Everyone who hears these words of mine and does
them will be like a wise man who built his house on
the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came,
and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it
did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock"
(Matthew 7:24-25).
2. Have Fun - Some favorite verses come to mind: "I
meant to do my work today; but a brown bird sang
in the apple tree and all the leaves were calling me.
So what could I do but laugh and go?" Even those
dusty old Westminster Divines understood the need:
"Our chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy Him
forever" (Question 1 of The Shorter Catechism of
1626).
3. Don't Take Yourself So Seriously - You may have
heard the 12 words that keep marriages together:
"I was wrong. I am sorry. Please forgive me. I
love you." A review of Matthew 7:1-5 also helps
every now and then.
One more word.
It's very salty; as in stinging to heal ("Salt stings on an open wound, but saves you from gangrene!").
If you're not working on your marriage, someone else will be doing it for you sooner or later.
Willard F. Harley, Jr.'s His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-Proof Marriage (1986) should be required reading before walking down the aisle.
Parenthetically, though perpetually befuddled by couples who spend thousands on photographers, videographers, florists, attire, stationary, receptions, and honeymoons while pinching pennies when it comes to donations for use of the church, honoraria for musicians, and other sanctuarial appointments (aka clergy), I'm especially chagrined by the lack of integrity in premarital counseling after the dates for the ceremony and all the rest have been reserved and superglued to the calendar. Rhetorically, how can we deny nuptials when the money's already been laid down? Credible premarital counseling includes an educated evaluation of the prospects prior to the wedding processional.
Getting back to Dr. Harley, he concluded women and men have needs that must be met with the corollary being unmet needs destroy marriages.
Specifically, he noted a man's basic needs in marriage are sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, a spouse concerned about her appearance, domestic support, and admiration (respect). A woman's basic needs in marriage are affection, conversation, honesty and openness, financial support, and family commitment.
He explained, "In marriages that fail to meet those needs, I have seen...how consistently married people choose...the extramarital affair. People wander into affairs with astonishing regularity, in spite of...strong moral or religious convictions...Why? Once a spouse lacks fulfillment of any of the five needs, it creates a thirst that must be quenched. If changes do not take place within the marriage to care for that need, the individual will face the powerful temptation to fill it outside of marriage."
Summarily, everybody has emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and sexual needs. Meeting those needs encourages an enduring marriage.
If your marriage is in trouble and starting to sound like an old Gordon Lightfoot song - "I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling's gone and I just can't get it back!" - there's still a way to save it.
While Revelation 2:1-7 focuses on renewing one's relationship with God and how Christians and churches who have lost their way can get it back, it also provides the secret to saving marriages: "Remember then from what you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first."
Remember everything that made you so passionately in love with each other.
Repent and do them all over again.
Simply, take Jesus seriously, have fun, and don't take yourself so seriously.
Gary R. Collins wrote, "The most obvious way to prevent divorce is to build stronger marriages - marriages based on scriptural principles and characterized by love, commitment and open communication" (Christian Counseling, 1980).
Or to borrow a line, "The grass is greener where it's watered."
That's how to save your marriage.
posted by Mr. Family at
6:29 PM
15 Comments:
Yawn.
By
Anonymous, at 9:20 PM
Why is marriage so important to you? If someone loses interest in their husband or wife, shouldn't they be free to test the waters and see if they can find someone who is a better match? Could you imagine being tied to the same person for five decades or more? Come on now. Be realisitc.
It is a free country you know.
By
Anonymous, at 9:40 PM
EXCELLENT ARTICLE. POINTS WELL STATED. THANK YOU!
By
Anonymous, at 9:41 PM
Thank you for the good word. I read the article twice and will share it with my wife.
Good marriages don't happen accidentally. They take commitment and integrity to succeed. After many years of marriage to the same woman, I know that my marriage is worth enough to me to protect it.
By
Anonymous, at 10:52 PM
Ok the Minister has spoken many quotes from the bible but in a court of law it holds virtually no weight..... Mr Family why not take the legal stance to fight your battles the religious views are fine but we believe you have a better leg to stand on if you challenge the issue legally...Lets take it from the law books....First, Fifth, and Fourteenth Amendments (http://www.law.cornell.edu/constitution/constitution.table.html#amendments). This implicit right is limited to the right to associate for First Amendment purposes. It does not include a right of social association. The government may prohibit people from knowingly associating in groups that engage and promote illegal activities.
Therefore if there is any form of illegal activity going on in one of these clubs there is no protection from the law ....so as soon as lewd dancing between two dancers occurs or a client puts his hands on a dancer where they shouldn't be or the dancer touches the client it's a violation. Get the law enforcement people to go into all these clubs in plain clothes and soon perhaps your problems will dwindell very quickly.
By
Anonymous, at 11:10 PM
I had posted a positive artilce on sex workers. But MR. Family is bias, and much like many writers and article ONLY chooses to post the negative. They edit articles to only show the bad side. Sexually orientated establishments have a right to be open as long as they do not break any laws. You are bias, and obviously do not care what other side thinks.
By
Bloodsword6, at 12:38 AM
Once again you proven your self a bible thumping holy roller idiot. I'm sure you won't post this because you edited my last posts.
By
Anonymous, at 5:47 AM
just wondering why no new pictures?
By
Anonymous, at 7:06 AM
To Mr. Choice:
First of all, I'm totally biased. This is a blog and you should expect that. I don't always care if I post your viewpoint. Sometimes I post your comments, other times I don't. I disagree with you 99% of the time and I care more about getting the truth out than I care about posting your contrary thoughts.
Regarding the article you sent me, I read it and chose not to include it because of the profanity it contained. Plus it was one of the most dimwitted defenses of the sex industry I have ever heard.
I hope this clarifies things.
By
Mr. Family, at 8:34 PM
Mr. Family said:
"I disagree with you 99% of the time and I care more about getting the truth out than I care about posting your contrary thoughts."
Wow, truthiness at it's finest...
By
Anonymous, at 2:26 AM
Maybe Mr. Family is just looking for attention.
By
Anonymous, at 8:43 AM
Funny the Minister mentioned
Elton John and he is MARRIED TO A MAN!
By
Anonymous, at 1:51 PM
Marriage fails the majority of the time. It usually doesn't last. People change over time. Its more realistic to stay single and enjoy your freedom. Why become someone else's possession?
By
Anonymous, at 3:35 PM
How to save your marriage... do not become PSYCHO!
By
Anonymous, at 9:39 PM
Regarding the article you sent me, I read it and chose not to include it because of the profanity it contained. Plus it was one of the most dimwitted defenses of the sex industry I have ever heard.
Really? Dimwitted? It has worked in 4 other countries, Sex workers now have a governemnt UNION. It is only a matter of time before it comes ot the States.
And I disargee with you 99% of the time, As you are trying to tell people what they can and can not do. You tell them how to spend their time. They are free to decide that themselves. And if they wish to go to a club of this nature, in this free country they should be allowed to do so.
By
Anonymous, at 11:42 AM
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